The Year of Living Audaciously

Former food blog, now travel blog - following my year as a Fulbright ETA in Indonesia

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Pure, Raw Heartbreak

January 12, 2016 by Mackenzie

Written January 7th:

I witnessed something tonight that I haven’t seen in a long, long time… pure, raw heartbreak. And not just that of one person, but 18 emotionally charged 16-year-old girls crying their eyes out at a loss that they cannot fathom.

Three days ago, we all learned of dramatic changes coming to SMAN5. While I don’t understand it all yet, what I do know for certain, is that my dear neighbors have been fired from their jobs as the dorm “parents” (and replaced by three unfriendly, uncaring, not-suited-to-be-dorm-mothers young women). It’s heartbreaking. For the students, for me, for the previous dorm parents… And right now, it’s hard to understand.

My students have been grappling with the news for a few days now. There has been a lot of whispering in my front room (the three new girls are living with me in my house until the previous families leave…), equal terror and anger, and tonight… pure, raw heartbreak.

I came out my front door this evening and saw a number of my girls at my neighbor’s house (the old dorm “mom”). They frantically called me over and when I saw 18 pairs of shoes outside the door I realized exactly what was going on. I stepped inside to see 19 tear streaked faces (Ibu Vera as well) and when they saw me, they all burst out crying again. I instantly reached for the girls closest to me and wrapped them in a huge hug. There were surprised… but then they collapsed into my arms. I held them for awhile while they sobbed, then moved on to the next pair… I eased over to the couch and one of the girls who I had had dinner with not an hour before, who had been so strong and positive, reached for me, pulled me into a huge hug and started sobbing into my shoulder. I looked at Ibu Vera with tears in my own eyes and saw exactly how much these girls meant to her. And she to them. And she was being unfairly wrenched from them and they from her. These girls are 16. Some of them live hundreds of miles from their parents. They are emotionally charged teenagers… and they need a mom. They need someone to talk to when their friends are mean to them. Then need someone to be their advocate to the administration. They need someone to care for them when they are sick… And now, they have none of that.

Girls sobbing and comforting each other during Ibu Vera and Ibu Riana's last night "ceremony" (evening rollcall)Girls sobbing and comforting each other during Ibu Vera and Ibu Riana’s last Night “Ceremony” (evening rollcall)

I, too, am heartbroken to be losing my neighbors. Ibu Riana, Ibu Vera, and Pak Jon – while not people I’ve conversed much with, as they only speak Bahasa – are still some of my favorite people here in Palangkaraya. They’re the people I live with. The faces I see when I sweep my front porch in the morning. The people I wave at as I head off to school. Ibu Vera and Ibu Riana are the mothers of my favorite little children. Ryan, Hardy, and Monique are 10, 6, and 2 and they are my shadows and my playmates. They come bursting into my house at all hours of the day, shouting, “Miss Kenzie! Miss Kenzie! Can we play Uno?” “What you doing Miss Kenzie?” “Can we play Miss Kenzie?” I love these kids. They are my constant companions and my everpresent friends. And I’m really not exaggerating in the slightest… I had told myself that after Christmas I needed to set some boundaries with them – they can’t just come bursting into my house all day. But today, on our first day back… they’re leaving. I won’t have them running past my house everyday. I won’t have them around to play Uno with every afternoon. I won’t have them around to teach me more Bahasa Indonesia and me to teach them English.

My neighbors are the people I counted on to stay here long past when I would be here… but instead, I’m the one standing on my front porch waving goodbye to them…

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Ice cream outings with my buddy

Ice cream outings with my buddy

Playing in the smoke...

Playing in the smoke…

Too cute for words

Too cute for words

Digging the oleh oleh

Digging the oleh oleh

Goodbye kiddos!! I'm gonna miss you! Xoxoxoxo

Goodbye kiddos!! I’m gonna miss you! Xoxoxoxo

Filed Under: Fulbright, Travels Tagged With: change, fulbright, heartbreak, neighbors, SMAN5

Keluarga Besar

December 2, 2015 by Mackenzie

On our Christmas Parade banner, that we marched through the city streets in the annual Palangkaraya Christmas Parade, were the words, “Keluarga Besar – SMAN 5 Palangkaraya.” And I couldn’t agree more. This school is so special because we are one big family. And let me just tell you, it feels so good to be home and welcomed back into this big family.

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After three months of hotel rooms in five different cities, I couldn’t be happier to be back in my mosquito/ant/cockroach/spider/SCORPION-infested house in Palangkaraya. Truly.

But actually... so happy to be back and to see clear sky!

But actually… so happy to be back and to see clear sky!

Yeah, my legs are covered in mosquito bites… and yeah, I chased a big-ass spider through my house the other day, finally cornering it in the bathroom and spraying it to death, and YEAH, I came home to a huge scorpion in a corner of the room and went SPRINTING out of my house and straight to the boys’ dorm where I begged them to come rescue me (which they did – and now it’s the story of the dorm… “miss, how big was the scorpion?!” “Miss, the boys said you were so scared!”) – but, despite all my new roommates, it feels unbelievably good to unpack my clothes, move into my house, and finally meet my students.

Had to save this snapchat... This was at the height of the mosquitos versus Mack saga... Mack is currently winning

Had to save this snapchat… This was at the height of the mosquitos versus Mack saga… Mack is currently winning

Mr Scorpion

Mr Scorpion – just before he met his death at the hands of my students

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Some of my wonderful students helped me clean my house after being gone for two months!

Some of my wonderful students helped me clean my house after being gone for two months!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And let me just tell you, the students are absolutely the best part about being home. SMAN5 is a boarding school, so all the students live in dorms in the asrama (dorm area) and my house is right in the middle of it all 😀 It’s an incredibly unique experience for me to get to live here with them, to be apart of their lives 24/7 (quite literally – see below) and get to know them on a more personal level, something that would be impossible in the classroom when I have 200-some students.

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10th graders Natalia, Meina, and Atika after shyly dropping by to hang out one night

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Tisia’s homeroom class is XI-2, which means it’s essentially my homeroom class too. Irsa, Yumela, and Ella.

Ibu Ferra's son Hardy. We hang out ALL THE TIME <3

Ibu Ferra’s son Hardy. We hang out ALL THE TIME <3

My house is nestled next to the houses of two families – Pak Jon and his family and Ibu Ferra and her family. Pak Jon is like the dorm dad and Ibu Ferra is like the dorm mom. Which makes me the dorm big sister?? Really, I feel like some combination of a big sister, super cool RA, camp counselor, and celebrity… Which, I’ll be honest, is exhausting at times, but oh so worth it 😀 The other part I love about these students, and what truly makes it feel like family, is how they all call each other brother and sister. “My brother over there…” or “My sisters…” – at first, I thought everyone was somehow related but have since learned that they all just truly see themselves as one keluarga besar (big family)… and I love it.

And while they are one big, happy family, there is also a very distinct hierarchy between the 10 graders and the 11th and 12th graders. The 10th graders are extremely shy, have extra strict rules, and do the majority of the cleaning and chores. They are always the first ones called when something needs to be fixed or cleaned up. And they have to show deference to the older students by ducking their heads when passing by the older students. The younger students have shorter haircuts and stricter dress codes. They can’t have smartphones and can’t play sports with the older students. They eat in a separate dining room and must eat silently (which is a problem when I eat dinner with them and cause disruptions trying to talk to the girls at my table – ooops). When 11th and 12th graders have free time, the 10th graders are generally sweeping or cleaning up the asrama. The 11th and 12th graders were exposed to the ETA last year, Emily, and so they already feel more comfortable speaking to a native speaker like me. The 10th graders however, are generally terrified of me. We are very slowly overcoming this 🙂 In class, I’m trying extremely hard to learn all my students’ names. I see other teachers calling the students, “boy!” or “Girl!” and honestly, I find that pretty rude. I believe that one way I can give back to these students for welcoming me and taking care of me is at the very least learning their names. While you might think this a simple task, it becomes a little more difficult when you count up nine classes x 25-30 students (225 or so total – and then there are another 100 12th graders no less) and then consider the fact that this is a military school and ALL THE STUDENTS HAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT. I cannot tell you how difficult this is. But I’m trying. Really hard. I made charts of where everyone sits in the classroom and I continually ask the student’s their names. At this point (only a week’s worth of effort), I’ve got probably 50 or so students down… and a long way to go.

After the students finish classes, they generally have at least some portion of the afternoon and evening free to do homework and play soccer or hang out. In small groups, the students have discovered that my door is open to them (literally) and since I’ve been back, they’ve begun visiting me more and more frequently. Following what I see from my neighbors (Pak Jon and Ibu Ferra), I generally keep my door open whenever I’m home. I’ve told the students that if my door is open, they are more than welcome to stop by and say hi, hang out, practice English, work on their homework… and they do!! Some happen to be walking by and see me sitting outside and will wave and maybe stop to talk for a bit, others will shyly ask if I’m busy and whether they can look at the pictures on my walls, some bring me snacks, others bring their homework. It’s absolutely adorable. Some have better English than others… a few of the girls will ask for my phone and type things in to the translator… this one made my heart burst!

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<3 <3 <3

Bananagrams

Bananagrams on my porch with 12th graders Anggun, Lisa, and Simon

When it rains, it POURS. And turns the field into a lake...

When it rains, it POURS. And turns the field into a lake…

As this is a military style boarding school, the students are much more rigorously scheduled than most 15 year olds. They wake up at 4am and go running – chanting all along the way. This past week, they were up and chanting by 3:30am. WHAT?! As my house is literally next to where they line up and chant, the students have become my alarm clock. I obviously don’t get up at 3:30 with them (although they have asked if I want to go running with them – I declined for now) but I definitely wake up every morning at 3:30 and lay there until they run out of the asrama – although a few times a week, they actually run in circles around the swamp in the middle of the asrama, and my house is right next to the path. Clomp, clomp, clomp… chant, chant, chant… Lol. What is my life?

I usually fall back asleep until they begin chanting again at 5:45am as they line up for breakfast. Then maybe around 6:00am I stumble out of bed as they march off to the classrooms. Classes are from 6:30-3:30, although the school district added two (I think) hours of class a day for a few weeks to make up for the seven lost weeks of class due to the smoke. During those few weeks, the students had class from 6:30am-5pm – with only a short break for lunch. Can you imagine that??!! 11 hours? WHAT?! But thankfully, we’re done with that now.

I teach the entire 10th and 11th grade – nine classes total. My classes are in the morning, ranging from 6:30am-1:00pm. I may run in the morning and then I will head to school a little before my first class, stop by the teacher’s lounge to say good morning and meet Tisia or Bu Juniar and then we’ll head to class. Classes are a blast and definitely the highlight of my day – I’ll share more in a later post. After class, I’ll either get lunch with some of the teachers, go to the small canteen/food stand across from the school or wait until 2pm when the students have lunch. After lunch, the students go back to class and I head home. I usually take a nap or chill in my AC bedroom – cooling down after the horribly hot, sticky morning. When the students finish around 3:30, I like to go sit outside on my porch and read and watch the boys play soccer. This is when a lot of the students walk by and I like to be outside to make my presence more comfortable for them. Plus, I want to hang out with them!

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Miss Mackenzie in her element! (And wearing a traditional sasirangan from Banjarmasin)

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One of my 10th grade classes working in groups on an assignment

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Miss Mackenzie is quite the distraction… particularly when she walks by the 10th grade PE class (and here I’m wearing a batik dress with a Bandung motif – I had a number of dresses, shirts, and skirts made with the material I’ve bought from different cities!)

Lunch at my favorite restaurant

Lunch at my favorite restaurant with some of the administration (Ibu Lusni on the right – I can’t remember the Pak on the left, oops)

Nasi pecel <3 <3 rice, spinach, chicken, and tempe smothered in peanut sauce... my favorite dish

Nasi pecel – my favorite Indonesian dish. Rice, sauteed (I think?) spinach and tempe smothered in peanut sauce, and topped with peanuty crackers. YUM

At 5:45pm they line up for dinner and I follow them over. I usually have a number of tables of students offering for me to eat with them. I jump around between the different buildings – some meals with the 10th graders, some with 11th or 12th graders in building 1, other nights with 11th or 12th graders in building 2… Whoever wants me, gets me… and I love it. After dinner, I leave my door open and some nights students will come over and bring their homework or just stay to chat. By 8:30pm, my door is closed and I’m getting ready for bed! I’ll read or chill until about 10 and then I’m sound asleep!

Dinner time!

Dinner time in the 10th grade dining hall!

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This was lunch in the dorm one day… a fish head. See his eye??

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This was a lucky meal because we actually had vegetables with our mostly-bone meat…

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A very typical meal in the dorms. Some kind of meat, a piece of eggplant, and a lot of rice

Spontaneous English Club last night... in my house :D I love that my house is big enough to do this!

Spontaneous English Club last night… in my house 😀 I love that my house is big enough to do this!

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My sweet, sweet girls Saskia, Irsa, Dian, and Erline. I spend a lot of time with these 4 <3

This has become my routine in the last two weeks that I’ve been at school. It’s a wonderfully slow, comfortable pace. I’m reading more books then I’ve read in years (thanks to everyone who sent me recommendations! I’m working my way through them!! So far I’ve read: The Midwife’s Revolt, Ashley’s War, Station Eleven, Missoula, The Goldfinch, If You Follow Me, and Between the World and Me). I’m napping when I need to nap. I’m going for runs. I’m spending a lot of time with 15 year olds talking about crushes, dreams about going abroad, college scholarships… we make pancakes on Sundays and I went to the stadium to watch the boys play soccer one Saturday. I think we’re even having a sleepover at my house this weekend. Life is pretty perfect.

Pancake parties

Pancake parties – 11th graders Dian and Irsa

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I am anxious to get a motorcycle so I can finally leave school on my own. Right now, I’m confined to the school campus unless I go on a run or a walk. But there is nothing but tiny warungs (food stalls) within walking distance and I feel very cooped up. Hopefully that will change soon and then I can go to the store on my own, visit Carlie, go to the market, go to the coffee shop (and free wifi! yeah!), expand my meal options, and escape when it’s mati lampu (blackout) – which as I’m writing the very end of this right now, the power just turned off and we have been plunged into darkness. All of the students are at dinner (I skipped because I’m not hungry for more rice) and the yell from 300 students suddenly plunged into darkness was quite funny. But, besides the mati lampu, the scorpions, the never-ending rice, and the lack of transportation… I’m pretty darn content.

Oh! And I finally got my KITAS. So I’m actually legal now. Party on…

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Tisia (my counterpart and the 11th grade English teacher) and Bu Juniar (the 10th grade English teacher). I spend most of my time at school with these lovely ladies.

Filed Under: Fulbright, Travels, Update Tagged With: dorm life, fulbright, palangkaraya, SMAN5, teaching

Meet Mackenzie

Hi! I'm Mackenzie! I'm currently a Fulbright English Teaching Assistant in Indonesia! I'm writing all about my year on this blog and hope you'll follow along on this journey! Read More…

Disclaimer:

Students and Indonesian Friends: Please don't take anything I say here as critical of my experience or you and your culture. Rather, through this blog I want to share my experience in your country with my friends and family in America! I may write and laugh about a lot of things that are different but none of it is bad, it's just different!

This blog is not an official Department of State website, and the views and information presented here are my own and do not represent the Fulbright Program or the Department of State.

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My Latest Reads

My Latest Reads

Between the World and Me
5 of 5 stars
Between the World and Me
by Ta-Nehisi Coates
If You Follow Me: A Novel
3 of 5 stars
If You Follow Me: A Novel
by Malena Watrous
The Goldfinch
4 of 5 stars
The Goldfinch
by Donna Tartt
Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town
4 of 5 stars
Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town
by Jon Krakauer
Station Eleven
4 of 5 stars
Station Eleven
by Emily St. John Mandel
Fight Back and Win
2 of 5 stars
Fight Back and Win
by Gloria Allred

goodreads.com

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Mackenzie

Hi! I'm Mackenzie! I'm currently a Fulbright English Teaching Assistant in Indonesia! I'm writing all about my year on this blog and hope you'll follow along on this journey! Read More…

A Look Back

This blog is not an official U.S. Department of State website and the views and opinions expressed here are entirely my own, and do not represent the U.S. Department of State or the Fulbright Program.

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