I wrote this several weeks ago but never posted it – even though I’m long past most of these feelings, I still think it’s important to post. Not everything is fun and exciting… sometimes, it’s just plain hard and frustrating. Thus… not the most upbeat post, but an important one nonetheless. 

From around December 11-13:

I’m sure that anyone who has ever undertaken something like this has just been waiting for this moment to happen. “She’s been so positive and upbeat, even through all the smoke and evacuations… when is she going to crash?”

Well, my friends… that time arrived.

I’ll start with the little things… the number of mosquito bites on my arms. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because I was scratching my arms so hard and had to keep alternating the part of my arm that I was scratching. No kidding. I finally got up and smeared Cortizone cream all over my arms and finally drifted off to sleep.

Until I woke up to La Bamba blasting through the loudspeaker at 4:45am. Usually, this only happens on Friday but folks, today is Monday. And La Bamba (and a number of other songs) were back. UGH. Needless to say, I often don’t sleep well here.

Okay, so then when I do decide to get up around 6:30am, I go into the kitchen and the swarm of mosquitos around my sink and my dishes and in my hand towel is just unbelievable. And this morning, there was also a massive swarm of ants on the wall. Oh, and a dead cockroach on the floor. Like, come on. Give me a break. Please? I’m already certain that I’ve shaved off five years of my life with the amount of chemicals I’ve ingested from my “doom bug spray”. And now the ants are back? And how the hell did that cockroach die? At least it’s already dead?

I changed into my running clothes (after panicking for a moment because I realized that both pairs of leggings and all my sports bras were still wet on the line outside from handwashing them on Sunday – but found my back up pair of leggings and a dirty sports bra – whew) and headed out the door… and realized that the neighbor’s dog has chewed my flats and ruined them. Like, come on. Really?

These are the little things… the daily, annoyances that for the most part, I don’t even realize anymore. The mosquitos are just a normal cloud that I wave my hands through every morning, La Bamba is my opportunity to giggle uncontorablly at 4:45 in the morning, the cockroaches are… well, becoming much easier to kill. For the most part, I hardly notice all that anymore. Except… when everything else seems to be going wrong too.

The last few weeks have been difficult. It’s been slow, frustrating, and lonely. I’m sad to be missing out on the Christmas season. I’m tired of being hot and sweaty. I’m tired of being tired. I’d kill for a hot shower, or better yet, a bath… I cringe at the sight of rice. We’ve hardly had school in the past few weeks and with the Christmas season upon us here, classes and learning seem like the last things on people’s minds.

But it’s hard because I want to be useful! I missed SO much (essentially the entire semester) because of the smoke and now that I’m finally here, we have no school. Three weeks ago, we had a three-day workshop. Two weeks ago, we canceled three days of school for a Christmas parade and then two days of filming for a tv station special about our school. And yes, the Christmas parade was a blast, and then tv filming was hilarious – but what about school? What about learning?

I’ve been back for almost four weeks and I haven’t even taught some of my classes more than once. And while we finally seemed to go back to school last week, we’re still in the “adjust to Mackenzie” stage and therefore, I’m just rolling with the lessons the teachers have prepared (or not prepared). I desperately want to lesson plan with them and work together to make fun and exciting lessons. But with the few school days and the newness of having me here… we just haven’t gotten there yet. And its frustrating. Because I know I could be more helpful! I know I could make the lessons better! But we don’t. And the lessons are boring, they are dry, and the students aren’t learning.

It’s also difficult watching my fellow ETAs travel all over Indonesia and also know that many of them are also getting to travel abroad in the next few weeks for Christmas and New Year’s. At the beginning of the grant, I had every intention of joining them, but due to the smoke, I’m stuck here with only a few days off – nothing long enough to travel abroad with the other ETAs. It’s a bummer. I’m working on a short, domestic travel plan for a few days over Christmas, but the district hasn’t announced the holiday yet so I’m waiting until they do before I book any flights…

Some days I wonder what the hell I’m doing here. The majority of my students have very poor English skills and honestly, have little desire, or need to learn English. Once they graduate high school, will they ever use English again? I took two years of Swahili in college and the only thing I can remember is “Jambo” and “hakuna matata.” When class time isn’t productive, when school is canceled, when the other teachers in my school only talk about my “beautiful, white skin,” I wonder what the hell my role is here. Why is this American woman dropping into this school for a few months to give out candy, high fives, and teach a few new phrases in a language most of them will never need? Honestly I feel like Santa Claus. A mythical, white creature that most people have never seen before, who comes bearing Oleh Oleh (small gifts like candy, postcards, etc from America) who only appears for a short time and then will disappear into the sky…

Okay, I’m being dramatic. I know my role here is so much more than all that. The sleepovers, pancake parties, English clubs, TOEFL tutoring, movie parties, TED talk discussions, swimming excursions, mati lampu sing-a-longs… are more than fulfilling my role as an English teacher and cultural ambassador. I’ve quickly become my students friend and big sister. They talk to me about their crushes, they cry about mean friends, not wanting to disappoint their parents, and being lonely so far away from home. And although I come from a vastly different culture and lifestyle, I can sympathize with them and share my own experiences dealing with each and every one of their concerns.

So, I’ll end on a positive note. Things are beginning to look up. We sorta, kinda, actually, maybe lesson planned today. Or, I at least know what the topics are in each class and ideally what we will do. And I’m making plans to travel for three days at Christmas.

But the biggest life improvement comes in the form of a vehicle with two wheels. Friends, I bought a motorcycle. This summer, I vehemently told myself I was not getting a motorcycle. Why would I ever need that and why would I risk my life and waste my money for such a frivilous thing. Well… it turned out to not be so frivilous. It’s vital. I have been abolutely stuck at school the entire time I’ve been back. I can only be free if someone takes me somewhere. My school is a good 3 miles from the edge of the city. Which means nothing is within walking distance. I needed this badly. And I finally got it. Things are going to get better.